jan 6, 2022. 04:30am

so... i may have skipped a few days. sure. but what was i meant to say? you can't force thoughts, creativity or motivation
i have to do old people shit this year. i enjoy getting socks for christmas if any. when i want iced coffee, i drive myself to go get it, no longer begging my mother to take me. university is right around the corner. my chiropractor reminds me to study looking up. when did my toys get up and leave me? where did my bunk-bed go? when did make believe turn into frantic scrolling to calm my nerves?
i brace myself for it, i tell the world i'm ready and it believes it. but i'm not prepared. i dunno, i can't do it this year. last i remember was counting down the seconds until i turned 10. where'd that go?
reminiscing kind of sucks and i'm not a live in the past type person. but it's just strange. time is fake, i dont know anymore bro

stuff
jan 2, 2022. 4:20pm (ayy)

the new year always feels so inconclusive yet conclusive at the same time. thinking of where i am right now, it feels like i'm lying to myself. i used to dream about my teens: high school, driving, getting a job. am i weaker? sadder? lazier? do the things that i've done because 'it was going to help me get better' mean anything, was there any merit for the things i've sacrified? did i actually improve myself or did i just stop caring? would my past self look at me and be proud? does my future self hate me? that's the unfufillment. i can't better myself when i barely understand myself. maybe i'm always going to be a stubborn loser

a lot of things that happened last year made me feel like i was in some edgy idealised coming of age teen books that 10 year old abysmal expected of me. but i realise it's faded. and looking back on the memories i still feel like i'm faking it, like i'm waiting for something to happen and maybe everything would be okay again. maybe i worry about myself too much, or too little, i can't tell the difference. maybe i'm never going to feel like an actual person, and i should get over it.

anyway, i just wanted to apologise to my year 4 self for turning into a lazy uninterested asshole, and not the outspoken, people-loving artist/musician/author prodigy that i've always wanted to be. i hope in the new year i can gain some closure, a distraction, and find some happiness for myself. p.s. i don't get why the oxford comma is discouraged in schools. is that normal? my primary school told us never to do it. it looks and reads so, so much better.

stuff
jan 1, 2022. 12:37am

well, here we are i suppose. i hate writing cheesy things but sometimes it just turns out that way right? either way, 2021 was a shithole, of revenge, and messy feelings. i don't think it was as bad as 2020, but it had it's moments. past august for me was the breaking point honestly, shit just started to go downhill after i thought everything was getting better, but alas that is to be expected - wishful thinking only gets you so far. despite the setbacks i thank 2021 for giving me a clearer vision of what i want to be as a person, through the people i've met who have given me. . .trials and tribulations which posed as a starting point into a deeper insight for myself. covid really fucked things up, my feelings did as well, but i'm lucky they synced because at least i didn't have anything to do, lmao. anyway, i hope i don't fuck shit up this year. we'll see.

stuff